The Last Link.
It’s 31 minutes before Jock’s birthday. I’m on Facebook. I know if I don’t delete his mother and his brother right now, it’ll never happen. They are the only link I have left to him. The only thing that connects us. If I cut that off, there will be no going back. Plus I feel like an absolute cunt for having to do to them. I still speak to them both occasionally, and they are always liking and commenting on my stuff. I thought about sending his mother a message saying that I just needed a clean break but then she might message Jock and that would seem like I’m stirring up shit. I know it’s petty but every time I see them on Facebook, I’m reminded of him and as Karen said, I gotta do this cold turkey. Cut off all ties.
I’m still not crying. I’m still not really thinking about him. I’ve just set myself a challenge. In fact, I’ve had this set for a couple of days now. I will have deleted and blocked them both before his birthday. If I don’t I’ll see messages that they may post up for him and I don’t want to see that because then I’ll want to message him Happy Birthday. And I definitely cannot, must not, WILL NOT do that! The only way I’m going to get through this is by NO CONTACT. Again, as Karen said, he’s my heroin. Only the tiniest bit is needed to drag me right back in again.
27 minutes now. Christ. This is actually really difficult. I always loved his mother. I was so gutted that he went up to their end of the country without me. I was so angry that he had done that. He couldn’t plan a trip for us to go up there together but he could for him by himself? Ugh. Still, its for the best. If I had actually met her, this decision would have made all the more harder.
See, that’s the shit you don’t think about when you’re going through a breakup. You don’t think about family and friends. If you want a clean, no contact break (usually accompanying a really messy breakup), you need to unfriend and block all parties relevant to him. Luckily we had two very separate lives so there are only a handful of people in my social networking circle that are ‘his’. We didn’t need to have the custody battle over friends either – his friends are his friends and my friends are my friends. Like The Redneck and his wife. I messaged him my condolences over the pup that needed to be put down and he ignored it. I deleted and blocked them both. I never really liked her that much anyway and once I’d gotten over my crush on him, I wasn’t overly impressed with The Redneck most the time anyway.
I’m pissed off that my Papa hasn’t removed Jock from his friend list, especially as he told me he would once I’d filled him in on what had been happening, but he’s not really that clued up on technology so I’ll bug him about it when it’s not so raw and make sure it gets done.
I don’t want him to know anything about my life or the people in it. I don’t want to know anything about his. If he wants to be tacky enough to go hopping straight into a relationship with another woman or at the very least, another women’s bed, he can get on with it. I don’t need to see it. Nor do I want to. I’m classier than that. More refined. More dignified. Although looking at the state of him, that was evident from the start anyway.
You see, I seem to have found the bitter, angry part of the breakup showdown. I’ve done denial – wanting to get back together with him at every opportunity, and thinking that everything would be aright once we had both calmed down. Then I went through the manic depressive, can’t-stop-crying skankbag stage where I didn’t shower for three or four days. Now I’m in the I’m-not-sure-what-I-ever-saw-in-him phase. I can’t quite believe I let a guy like that grind me down so far. He never deserved me. See – bitter and angry phase. Refusing to think about him. Refusing to cry. I quite like it 🙂
20 minutes. Just like ripping off a band aid. That’s what I gotta do. Type his mother’s name in. Block. Type his brother’s name in. Block. Done. Less than sixty seconds of my life and it will be done. It’s just that last link… It’s always the hardest to give up, isn’t it?
16 minutes. I’m just wasting time now. Pacing. Having a drink. Having a smoke. Putting it off. Delaying it. That last link. Can I really do it? Can I really cut all ties? Can’t you just do it for me? Do I even have to do it at all? Can’t I be strong enough to just deal with those two? If I’ve not lost my shit and said something to them before this point, it won’t happen now will it? No, every time I see them it’s a constant reminder. I need to do it. I need to.
14 minutes. I can do it.
Can’t I?
Whatever your allegiance to Jock’s family, their primary allegiance will always be to him. My experience is that their families sort of know what they are and when it goes tits up they never blame them, they blame us, however nice they seemed to be when we were with their family member. Even if this turns out not to be the case here, you really have nothing to lose by cutting the tie, and everything to gain. So you lose two people you talk to from time to time. So what? In a year, you’ll wonder how you could have given a toss. It’s all really about not wanting to cut that last tie. So again, it’s not about them, it’s about you.
The reason it is so important to cut ties is because of the mental breaking of the psychic link. I know this because I lived it. He stalked me for two years because despite a restraining order, I was still keeping that mental/emotional/psychic link going. I still kept on thinking about him. If he was outside my house shouting I was thinking about him. If he wasn’t, I was wondering when he would be.
When I finally ‘got’ it, when I ruthlessly removed him from my life, including family, friends, anyone who had the most tenuous link to him – when I committed fully to moving on, to not waiting for him to change – when I confronted the fact that he WASN’T my destiny and he was actually a fucking great weight that was drowning me – THEN he disappeared.
I’d spent a hell of a lot of emotional energy (and time, money etc) trying to ‘fix’ him. When I decided to commit all of that to fixing ME – that was when he dropped off the face of the earth. It’s only taken you three months to get here – you are a fast learner! Just think where you will be this time next year.
…Did you do it?